Grieving Professional Tokenhood

I sometimes feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and shame at how tokenized I used to be. Through all of my schooling, my past work relationships, and even into my professional adult life, there is an image of me that others have that is so far from who I have always been. And I feel apprehension when I think of reaching out to certain past employers, former professors, and old colleagues. Not because I think they won’t like me the way I am but because I don’t think they will like me the way they are. The way my upbringing, the racism inherent in our southern institutions, and my innate and conditioned desire to just be of service intersected to suppress my past personality brings grief that will take a lifetime to process.